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Comedy
of Amber
Kirsten
Houseknecht
Copyright
May 2 2000
All
rights reserved
I am here
today to talk about a very serious problem: amber addiction. Oh
they don’t tell you that amber is
addictive, no, of course not, but it is.
It starts out
innocently enough, maybe a ring or a pair of earrings, but
soon you are in serious trouble.
First you get
a matching necklace to go with those earrings.
Maybe a little
later, you decide to buy a different ring and
another pair
of earrings. Sooner or later you buy a broach or
some other piece that is "just too nice to pass up".
Little do you
realize that you are already an addict.
Many addicts
go through a plateau stage, where they buy a
piece or two,
but don’t get too out of control. It never lasts.
Sooner or later you see some in a store window, or a
well-meaning
friend buys you some lovely little amber piece,
and you start
buying again. Eventually you will start going
out of your
way to buy amber.
Once the
addiction goes past the plateau stage, the descent
can be very
rapid. The addict starts to frequent sources of
amber. They
don’t go to places that are unlikely to have amber
present. They bring amber with them to social gatherings.
They start to socialize almost exclusively with other
amber junkies.
Once the
addiction has progressed very far, the real amber
addict will
accost people wearing amber. Most non-addicts
will smile
politely, and back away after answering the basic,
"where
did you get THAT?" question. If, however the other
person is an
amber junkie, the two of them will rapidly block
traffic or
buffet tables and even ignore food and friends to
discuss their
amber collections.
Most amber
addicts are unaware of the depths to which they are
sinking. Like
many other addicts they cannot see that their
behavior is
unhealthy. It is only when they have hit rock bottom
that many amber addicts are able to see their situation.
Amber junkies
will rationalize that they do not have "too much
amber",
usually by telling you about some other addict who is
even worse off
that they are. A junkie honestly doesn’t see how
bad it is getting; they "only have a few rings, and a small
collection of necklaces". I have heard many people say this
right up to the point that they cannot open a dresser drawer
because it is too full of amber!
Unlike many
other addictions, amber addicts do not use up their
supply before buying more. This actually makes it easier
to identify the out of control addict. The alcoholic drinks
his addiction up, and therefore can hide the amount they
are consuming. Not so with the amber addict, they will try
to conceal their accumulating horde in some cases, but they
will continue to buy more, even though the amber is in boxes
all over the house.
Some of the
signs that your loved one (or yourself) need help
are: running
out of fingers to wear your rings on, having more
holes pierced in your ear to wear more earrings, needing more
than one jewelry case just for amber jewelry and having amber
cat toys. If you or your loved one has to schedule their
jewelry wearing "so as to not neglect any of their amber"
then institutional care may be necessary. In extreme cases,
amber addicts have been known to forgo buying BOOKS!
As everyone
knows, when you have some money you buy books, and
with whatever is left you pay rent
and buy food. Amber
addicts have
been known to buy a new amber ring with money
intended for a
just published book. In more extreme cases, a
once healthy
reader will, if pressed, be forced to admit that they
have not read the latest book in their favorite series, because
they bought too much amber! Fortunately this can often
serve as a wakeup call to the addict, especially if their
friends will not loan them the books until they get help!
If you find
that you have fallen prey to an amber addiction, there
are several things you must do. Tell your friends that you
are an addict; explain that you cannot ‘wear amber socially’
and that they must not give you any more amber. Try to
find a healthy outlet for your energy, take up some non-amber
related pursuits. Of course before you can finally free
yourself from this addiction, you must get rid of all the accumulated
amber, ALL of it. Pack it all up in a padded box and
mail it all to me.
I promise to
take good care of it. |
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