Exploration

Exploration

Lately, I’ve been on a quest.

I am 26 years old and feel like ten years have passed me by as if I were standing still. I have a wonderful husband, two beautiful boys, everything in the world to feel thankful for and yet something in me yearns for something more.

It’s incredibly selfish, I know. I am grateful for all that Deity has given me, but I feel a greater potential within. The problem is, I have no idea what to do with it.

So began my quest…armed with a stack of self-help books, tons of ideas from Oprah on how to find my inner spirit, a journal, and a mind full of ideas that never seem to come to me when I have time to listen. Only I keep running into road blocks.

For example, one book wants you to keep a gratitude journal, an illustrated journal, some kind of fashion journal to see what your true colors are, and a sacred space for meditation. The list goes on and on. These are all wonderful things to do and after all it worked for Oprah…but I can barely find the time to spend 10 minutes to go to the bathroom, let alone time for all of that.

I realize that every good journey takes a lot of work, I just never knew it would be so much work trying to find myself…I mean it took me 26 years to figure out that I was lost to begin with.

It’s not just the time factor, but also the guilt. The guilt I feel for taking even 15 minutes of time to myself, when just as I sit down to write in a journal or cut out pictures of women I wish I could look like, there is a 4 year old handing me a book I promised I’d read him hours ago, but got side-tracked .

I know few women who are truly happy with their lives.

Why is that as women, we accept our surroundings as circumstances of our situations, instead of changing our situations to create different circumstances? We have the power, and yet we sit idly by and let life “happen” to us. I know that I do this and yet I’m not sure how not to.

I want to accept the beauty of every day around me. I want to believe that when someone cuts me off on the freeway that it’s not a personal attack on me. I want to trust myself enough to know that every decision I make is the right one for me instead of constantly second guessing myself. When my husband tells me that I’m beautiful, I want to believe him.

She’s in here somewhere, I just have to find her…