Mi Vida Loca

Mi Vida Loca!

By Misty

Through many trials and tribulations, we are learning to cope and live with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) and Bipolar Disorder (BP). Both of these disorders are mental illnesses. ADHD is persistent impulsiveness, distractibility, short attention span, and possible hyperactivity. Bipolar disorder, also known as Manic/Depressive, occurs at a young age and can be inherited. Bipolar is characterized by wide mood swings from mania (euphoric/irritable states) to depression (hopeless/unhappy states). I am in a classification of BP that is known as mixed episode. In a mixed state there is an alternating cycle between mania and depression on a daily basis. This has been hard to come to terms with, because of society’s perception of mental illness. People with mental illness are often viewed as “weirdoes”, “freaks”, and often considered abnormal. No one wants to live his or her life with this stigma.

I have two children, DJ and Eric, who have time after time tested my limits and abilities as a parent. It all started when DJ was 2, and Eric was 1. Not a morning would go by that I wouldn’t wake up to my house looking like tornado alley. As the boys grew older they started having tendencies for destruction and mayhem. It was around the time they were 3 and 4 years old they gained the nickname “Double Trouble”! We had several “midnight” escapes, which usually occurred around 2 or 3 AM. My husband or I would wake up to find the boys in the driveway, in the truck, radio blaring, shifter moved. It seems they decided they wanted to make midnight food run to McDonald’s. After the second time they did this we installed double-keyed deadbolts trying to keep them in. About a week after installing the new locks the boys found the keys, and once again they were off to McDonald’s. Silly me, I thought my keys were hidden in a good high spot. On the morning of DJ’s first day of Kindergarten, I was awakened at 5 AM, by the screaming of two little boys. When I opened my eyes all I saw at the foot of my bed was two totally nude boys. As I slowly came to realize, in my haze of sleep, was not only were they nude –DJ was green from head to toe, and Eric was orange. The only part of their bodies not painted was their hair. They had scaled a half door into my supply room, and to the top of the closet, and found the big bottles of paint. I scrubbed them the best I could yet DJ went to school tinted green. At the time it wasn’t funny at all!

At the same time I was noticing not only were the boys having problems, but also so was I. For example, I would decide to do laundry, only to open the washer, and discover a dry, smelly load of two-week-old laundry. I had wondered where all our clothes went! My entire life, people have told me I talk too fast, but what they didn’t know or understand is that my thoughts were racing faster than they were coming out of my mouth.

Evidence of the Bipolar came out unrecognized by anyone, especially me. In 1994, I ruined my first marriage by making a bunch of irrational and impulsive decisions. I obtained my divorce from my first husband in August 1995, and my current husband and I were married in October 1995. We have had our share of problems, but when faced with a problem, I would become overly hostile. In situations of disagreement instead of having a reasonable amount of anger I would take it to the extreme of aggressiveness. During all of the fits of hostility I would go into deep depressions. Feelings of isolation and emotional detachment would plague me even though friends and family surrounded me. Suicidal thoughts would hit me out of nowhere, and I couldn’t handle life.

Finally my husband, Gil, could no longer deal with my moods or me. He left in August 1998. Two days later, I was rudely awakened at 4:30 AM. Two Mesa police officers were in my bedroom saying, “Ma’am, you need to get up we have your children.” Seems Eric woke up at some point, and decided to wake up DJ. Together they went out the one door they could into the backyard. Once there they dragged a picnic bench to the gate to the back alley, opened the latch, and left. The police officers found them a mile away across the highway. This was when I realized I was dealing with something bigger than I could handle on my own.

We were referred to a child psychiatrist, as our family doctor was suspecting ADHD. I took them both for an evaluation, and the psychiatrist confirmed my fear. Both of the boys have ADHD, and possibly Bipolar. The boys’ doctor also suggested I get myself evaluated too. I found a psychiatrist for me, and was diagnosed ADHD, Bipolar, PostTraumatic Stress Syndrome (PTSD), and Panic Anxiety (PA).

At first only Eric and I were placed on medication to help treat our disorders. The doctor felt we needed to wait with DJ to see how he did in school before medicating him. DJ did great in Kindergarten, but this year he has also been placed on medication. We have had to go through many medication adjustments to get the right mix.

Gil came back home to us in late October 1998. At this time the whole family began different types of counseling. The boys are in behavior modification. Gil and I went through some marriage counseling. I have recently begun therapy to deal with my abusive childhood and to help get my Bipolar in control.

At the time of diagnosis, I went through an extreme self-defeating period. My perception of myself was low. I felt that it was my entire fault for my children’s’ disorders. I hated myself. I was mentally ill, and that scared me. I was afraid of people finding out, and treating me like a “freak”.

Finally I have come to terms with all of the issues. I have realized that I have Bipolar. I am not Bipolar. I am not my illness. Through all of the trials and tribulations we have endured we have all become better in tune as a family. Gil has been better able to understand me now that he knows why I am the way I am. Our communication has improved by leaps and bounds. We have been able to reinforce our family through this knowledge.

Everyday is a new challenge, but when I look back before I knew what the cause was, I see a woman who struggled to keep her grip on sanity. Before my diagnosis I was a mess. I caused problems everywhere I went. I ruined a marriage and destroyed a family. Now I see a woman who still struggles on a daily basis to overcome this disorder.

There is no cure for Bipolar or ADHD, but there is something – hope. I have hope for the future. I am back in school, and I am trying to improve my life. I have hope for my children that they will become great adults. I have hope that my boys will learn by watching me, and seeing where we were and where we are headed, that we CAN defeat the demon of mental illness, and not be ashamed of who we are.